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The poems

© 2010-2013

monkey

Monkey on your back
Who thought of that
Good phrase – I bet somebody who
Saw the monkey, had the monkey
Came up with that

I know that monkey
I don’t like that monkey
I can remember when
I looked at you
And didn’t see that monkey
It crept in gradually – didn’t notice it at first
But suddenly there it was
Most people don’t willingly let it in forever
They just invite it for a day, an hour
And it comes and simply doesn’t leave
Like the man who came to dinner…

It likes you, that monkey
And it taunts us
Defies everything we believe in
Love, honor, responsibility
It lies, it steals
It says things
That don’t come out of your mouth

And I want to kill that monkey
Get rid of it
But like the virus that can’t be killed
Without killing the host
I can’t kill it
Without killing you
If I try to tear it off
It flies at me, screeching and clawing
It isn’t that it scares me (it used to)
I can take that monkey on
But it’s not mine to take on
That monkey lives there
Because you let it

I see you monkey
Let me tell you
We don’t give up our loved ones easily
To pain and suffering
We hang on and suffer the bites and scratches
But we do not let go
If he goes
You will disintegrate like dust
And he will be left, whole and clear
The way I knew him
Before he let you on his shoulder
I look for the day
When you get smaller and smaller
Your eyes dull and your bones stick out
Your coat roughens
And you wither like a melting witch

The more he flings you off
The closer the rest of us can get
Reach out and grab his hand
And help him out of the pit
Crawl out here where the air is clear

I see beyond the monkey
I see you – just you
The little boy in the blue jacket with the daisy
The little boy at Jackson Hole
With Chris and Rocky in the back yard
In your graduation gown
With Michaela, gripping tight
Fixing things, mending things
Loving people with an open heart
All the things you are
All that you can do

And if you want to
You can make it leave
It will leave and come back
And leave and come back
Relentlessly
But each time a little weaker
A little less sure of itself
It knows it can’t survive without you
It and everything and everyone behind it
It needs your helplessness
Your despair, your self-pity
Your loneliness, your stubbornness
Most of all
It needs to have you
Not need anyone else
Never ask for help

Maybe some day
Your can put your finger on it and say
Not today, not today
You can’t have me today
For one day I can hold you off
And today I choose
To walk around without you
Today I choose to be just me